The team at Meow Mix is delighted to bring you the exclusive news that trans terrorist Jessica Yaniv Simpson is to marry her long-term stalkee, Mr Donald. As this site has said for years, Jessica Yaniv’s feverish and frankly unhinged stalking had more to do with his unbridled lust for Mr. McDonald. We are delighted, therefore, to share this joyous news with you all.
In an exclusive interview with the Whale Conservation magazine, Ms Yaniv Simpson went to great lengths to describe the exciting news. The proposal occurred at the local Olive Garden, famed for its free breadsticks and previous Yaniv occasions. Ms Yaniv said she knew she was in love when Mr McDonald ordered the family-sized chocolate fudge cake. Ms Yaniv stated, “Mr McDonald is so kind and willing to work all day to bring me enough cream cakes to stave off my Diabetes, and he doesn’t seem to mind the restraints I have him wear”.
Not everything went well for the proposal, and there were more than a few hiccups on the way to true love. Knowing Yaniv’s love of chocolate cake, Mr McDonald hid the ring inside the fudge cake icing. Unfortunately, as a result of Yaniv practically inhaling the desert, the ring was consumed. Not to be put off, the happy couple just waited until the engagement ring and travelled through another ring. Luckily, when it passed, the ring retained its chocolate-brown appearance.
When asked about his previous negative interactions with Ms Yaniv, Mr McDonald said, “I just hadn’t realised how much of a truly stunning and brave woman Jessica is, and after she showed the world her rotting beaver, I just knew she was the perfect woman. After a small incident with a flame thrower, I lost my sense of smell. I think that made all the difference.” When asked for more information, Mr McDonald was keen to point out that all of Ms Yaniv’s online stalking, abuse, rape threats, and insults were just a sign of how much Yaniv loved him.
When asked about the restraints he was wearing, McDonald was quick to highlight that they were a fashion accessory popular among followers of the Bates Motel theory. Ms Yaniv was quick to intervene and emphasise that the nasty lump and bruise on Mr Mconalds’s head was from her affectionately tapping his head with her bulbous 80kg arms and not a sign of domestic abuse.
When pressed about the location of the planned wedding, Ms Yaniv advised it would be held in an upmarket Italian chain restaurant that would allow her to put down puppy training pads in case she, Miriam or Rexy the dog had any accidents. She also went on to assure whale conservation that no “turban fu£££rs” would be invited.
Ms Yaniv Simpson described her aunt’s mother’s delight at this upcoming union. Ms Yaniv told us in his characteristic gay male drawl, “Yeah but, no but, I totally let her wake up from the drugs. I keep her sedated to let her know”. When the Whale Conservation Reporter asked if she would consider having Miriam stay after the happy event, Ms Yaniv reported that yes, this would be happening because they had some space in the freezer next to the kitten that had been missing for a year.
Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone. Of course, Yaniv is a man—and a dangerous one at that. He doesn’t know love or kindness because no one with a sense of smell will go within 50 meters of him. We apologise to anyone with the surname McDonald for any distress this article may cause.