PARODY: Miriam Speaks Up!

Originally published April 1, 2020. April Fools!

Every villain has an origin story. Rumor has it, one foggy night in 1987, an already ancient Miriam Yaniv stood in her cave, gown pulled high and legs spread. She let out a grunt, thinking she had perhaps eaten one too many seagull eggs, and out fell baby Jonny. He tumbled onto the rocks, down another rock, and onto the cave floor, his face badly misshapen by the fall. Miriam’s partner/hunter-gatherer companion Jack looked up from carving his spears, snorted with laughter, and reminisced on the time he spent with those much more attractive cave women in Las Vegas.

Decades have since passed but one thing remains constant – Yaniv’s misshapen face.

We caught up with Miriam in Langley, BC. Shes retired from cave life into a cozy condo, not far from where JY lives. Ironically, it’s about the same distance now as it was when he rolled down those rocks so many years prior.

Hi Miriam, and thanks for talking with us. Can you tell us about JY’s younger years?

Miriam: Of course! Jonny was a fun little boy, but wherever he went, accidents followed! It started at birth. We’re a Jewish family, and circumcision is important. We met the Mohel, and right as he was about to make the first cut, Jonny looked at him with his left eye, but not his right eye. Startled, the doctor jerked, and we lost part of Jonny’s member right there! Of course we sued.

Of course! Any good parent would! Do you think that may be why he felt feminine later in life?

Miriam: Perhaps! As soon as Jonny could stand up in the grocery cart he was reaching for the pink Pampers, not the blue ones. Jack didn’t approve of course, but I always made sure little Jonny got what he wanted.

How were Jonny’s younger years?

Miriam: Oh my, they were wonderful! We saved SO much money on groceries because he breastfed until his teens. It was a lifesaver, that’s for sure. My parents raised me to be thrifty! He didn’t have many friends. I often brought over my friends and their children, and Jonny would insist on playing what he called the Magic Finger Game with them. They rarely returned a second time, but Jonny puttered along.

How was his school life?

Miriam: Jonny really enjoyed school, and the teachers really enjoyed him. I think that’s why they kept him for a second year of kindergarten. He was such a joy. I remember one teacher sending home a note to tell me how she caught my son in her purse, playing with her feminine products. That’s what I knew my Jonny was special, and I gave him a little pat on the tush tush, just like she asked.

How did he do in Physical Education?

Miriam: Well, he struggled a little bit, but I don’t fault him. You see, his eyes point 38 degrees apart, and sometimes he loses his bearings. One time, he was running a cross country marathon with the class and he ended up in Cloverdale, sitting at a truck stop, asking people to play Magic Fingers.

How old was he when he went to school alone?

Miriam: ALONE? Are you out of your mind? I don’t let my dear Jonny go anywhere alone! He needs me! What if he runs out of pads, or milk!? I can’t believe you’d even ask that.

Er…sorry? Pads….tell us about his first period. You told the BCHRT that he had his first period at 13.

Miriam: Was it 13? I honestly can’t remember what Jonny told me to say. I don’t have a good memory these days.

Do you know why he uses pads now?

Miriam: Truthfully, it’s my fault. I didn’t do a very good job potty training him. I was so busy with Jack and tending to my rock garden and imaginary friends that I didn’t have much time for JY. When he outgrew diapers, we moved into Depends, and it never stopped. I feel so awful.

It probably isn’t all your fault. Did you at least get him vaccinated?

Miriam: Of course! When he was about 7 years old, our family cat was mysteriously sick, almost like she was drugged. I took her to the vet, and they reminded me to update her vaccinations. I asked if they’d give me a discount to do Jonnys at the same time, and they did! Speaking of which, he still gets kennel cough. I should sue them.

What do you think of the stories now about Jonny luring underage girls?

Miriam: Oh that’s such malarkey! I chased older men when I was a young girl, and that’s what these girls to do my handsome young man! That Jess Rumpel girl, oh my, she had it for him hard! She just thought he was the most studly of studs. Oh gosh, I’m blushing just saying it. My point is, those girls chase him. He can’t help it! We bought him a scooter so he could get away quicker.

I don’t think that’s accura…

Miriam: Don’t you argue with me! My son is a stud, whether he’s a she or she’s a he!

Right. Good segue…what do you think about Jonny being Jessica?

Miriam: What do you mean?

Well, Jonny says he is transgender now.

Miriam: No no, he just…

The audio went muffled at this point. I heard some yelling, some crashes and bangs.

Miriam: She really is a brave warrior princess now, if you ask me. I support her.

I faintly hear her ask someone in the background, “did I do it right?”

Ok…but, what about all the women she sues? The reporter she hurts? The false claims of voyeurism?

Miriam: Those are all true! That reporter woman was DESPERATE to see my daughters penis! Those reporters were stalking her. I caught one watching me adjust my girdle! I think he even winked at me, but I told him he was too old. Maybe if the younger one did it.

Your daughters penis? Doesn’t she say she has a vagina?

Miriam: It exists!

Sure. Moving on…What do you have to say to people who accuse you and Jessica of being racist?

Miriam: Well, those people, they just come here, and they don’t know a word of English.

Which people?

Miriam: THOSE people. And you know, they’re dirty. They have horrible customer service.

Miriam, aren’t you an immigrant?

Miriam: Yes but I’m not those people!

Isn’t that a bit racist?

Miriam: Did you know, one time Jessica and I were trying to order a simple cheeseburger at A&W and they kept asking if we wanted bacon on our burger. The nerve! Can’t they see I’m Jewish!

I still think that’s a bit racist.

Miriam: Don’t make me sue you!

Alright then…I know you’re a busy lady, so one last question. What do you see in Jessica’s future?

Miriam: Men! Men everywh…I mean…she’s lesbian. Women! Women! They’re going to chase my dear daughter. Especially the younger ones. They can’t help it. I worry about her when I’m gone though. I don’t know who will change her underwear for her or share outfits. Who will fend off angry reporters? I have really long fingers you know, and I stick them up at bad reporters! Just the middle one! It goes straight up! I call it my Magic Finger Game! Jonny likes it!

A crash is heard, followed by an ‘ouch’! and a pause.

Miriam: Jessica likes it!

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